25.

25.

Had my first Jack Daniel's on my 25th birthday.
Loved it. Never going back to spirits. 

Looking back in the past year, I'm guessing the biggest change would be how I view life and risks.

After failing so many times, I charged into a chicken phase where I would not even try because I had the mindset of "if I don't try then I would never have to cry". So I shut myself out from meeting new friends and taking on challenges. Everyday became simply the same. Bland and emotionless.

And then somebody told me I was wrong. He told me that sometimes there are mistakes to be made and failure to be embraced. If I don't even put in the slightest effort then I would never taste success.

This goes the same with relationships.

I figured I can't always worry about being heartbroken once again. So what if he breaks my heart? So what if I am hurt once again? When it happens then it is what it is. Then I will just have to accept my failure, learn from it, and attempt life again.

And so I wriggled myself out of my comfort zone and opened up to him. And so I fell in love again.

I've got it all figured out. I think. Or at least I hope.

I've got it all figured out. I think. Or at least I hope.

Sometimes some feelings are meant to be left as is. Even if two people cannot or can no longer be lovers, sometimes the feelings of affection still exist. These feelings may be tense or may have been diluted by different factors already, but it doesn't simply disappear into thin air as one wishes. Talking yourself into not loving the person is often times not an option. It can be very painful and devastating to convince yourself that you don't love someone anymore when you really and apparently still do. Hence the best thing to do, is to leave the feelings alone and instead assign a new role to the other person. As a special friend, as a soul mate, as a buddy, as a mental clone, as a whatever role that is comfortable for the two of you.

I realize there should be a fine line between friends and lovers. The thing is, where is that line? Why is it natural for us to kiss and hug our lovers but not our friends? I never understand why love has to be so strictly controlled and categorized. Love is love. Love for friends is the same sort of love for lovers. The only difference that makes lovers special is probably the extra bit of lust that allows us to reproduce and pass on our genes. Just because one can't be together as lovers with another, doesn't mean the love between the two has to be repressed.

This whole time I have been forcing myself to stop all feelings and pretend that I don't appreciate him the way I used to. But appreciation is appreciation. I still think he is perfect and I care a lot about him and can't just let go of these feelings once we become buddies and nothing more. Why do I have to tell myself otherwise when I still have feelings for him? It just doesn't make sense to me.

So yeah. I should just befriend all the guys that I truly adore and love and gain an awesome crowd of (subjectively) good looking friends who would all come to my funeral wedding and cry like losers one day. That would be quite a beautiful sight.

Life lessons.

Life lessons.

The very first life lesson I have learnt in the hard way was back in grade 11 chemistry class with Mrs. S. I remember studying my ass off for tests, participated a lot in class, and was actually enthusiastic in studying. For once. And then what happened? I got a fucking B-. Mind you, my test results weren't bad at all. I wasn't the top student in class but I never let myself get less than a B+. Yet something had to go wrong and I got a fucking B-.

So I realized. That maybe there are certain things in life that I just can't get, no matter how hard I try to achieve it. The give/get equation is not as simple as 1+1=2. It can sometimes wind down to a 0. Or even in the minus.

Then after almost 10 years in life, it had struck me again. That there are just things that I can never ever have. That there are things and people, no matter how much I want and love, I just cannot have. This world is so complicated, that, there are times where I just have to learn to give up. And pretend. Pretend that I am already gone and over out there even though I am still extremely jaded inside. My mind. My heart. My mentality. My emotions. Everything is still being tied up by the thoughts of him and yet, I have to brush off the trickling tears and pretend otherwise.

Now how fucked up is that? How fucked up is adulthood?

Very. Fuckily. Fucked. Up.

New Year's Resolution.

New Year's Resolution.

一如往年的習俗，在年末年初的時候總會想起年初立下的目標，懊惱不已地看看自己做了些甚麼鳥事來，然後收拾一下心情（e.g., 安慰）準備定下新一年的新目標。

去年的目標們與秋後算帳賽後檢討：

• 一日一小時Core Rhythm／其他運動。 
• 大概平均一週都能動得到三、四個小時的，雖然距離目標有一段很長的距離，但算啦，有動過屁股也就算啦差不多啦嘿。
• 早睡早起之餘，過了六點就不再進食。
• 立下目標的時候還不知道原來自己的上班時候竟然會是午一晚九，所以呢，這是呢，就只有在加拿大得時候才做到過囉。
•  總而言之想要回到2008年，BMI值22.0的磅數。 
• 拿拿拿，雖然早已不再，但在六月的時候我確實是曾經達到過的！*驕傲* XDD Oh my god I was so skinny in June!!! 
• 做出見得人的Macarons。 
• 這倒是在年初一、二月的時候早早達成了。絲毫征服感都沒。天才ですから？
• 補回在日本去過的幾趟旅行遊記。（渺茫率：80%）
• 算了。算了。

總的來說，我覺得2012年的成績還過得去啦，怎樣混也總會混得比2011年的好吧？你說對不對？而今年的新年目標呢，有幾項都跟往年的差不多，但有幾項倒真會是一個新挑戰。Let's see how it goes.

• 早晚做運動
• 總而言之想要回到BMI值21.0~22.0的磅數。
• 參加並完跑半馬。我是很認真的。
• 補－寫－遊－記。（渺茫率：90%）
• 老媽回加後要積極存錢，一個月只准花最多一千元在食物上。當然，出去摸杯底的花費另計。嘻。

今年最特別的大概就是有了明確的減磅目標。往年主要的理由都是想要好看一點，但今年卻多了一個理由；我很認真地在考慮要參加half marathon。自從十月還是十一月發現自己現下跑3km都要花上20分鐘後我就發覺，自己真的老了。想當年（！）我芳齡十六還需要上PE堂的時候，我可是只需12分鐘就跑完3 miles，即差不多5-6km。Holy shit I was so fast back then!!! 3km。Holy shit, even if it's not 3 miles but 3km in 12 minutes is still quite fast eh!!! (I am so nice to myself.)

如是者，為了健康還有我那可憐的自尊著想，我就設下了這樣子的一個目標了。嘛……祝我好運吧。Orz

A Year of Growth.

A Year of Growth.

十五。我萬萬想不到，一整個2012，我都只是更新過十五遍網誌，度過了一個少產的一年。主要原因我想，其實這一年發生了太多的事情，時間總是覺得不夠用似的，而且有時候寫著寫著又覺得其實內容不太適合放上網來，也就轉移放到另一個私人網誌上算了。嘛，希望在新一年可以多點練練中文吧，總覺得自從回港後我的中文都不斷在退步（！），很多時候都出現詞不達意的窘境。*羞*

由於很少更新，也就免不了來一個2012總結，當是記一下發生過啥事好了：

一月：這一年裡面運動量最高的月份。每天我都會步行約3km到Hillcrest的社區中心做一小時運動然後坐巴士回家。

二月：運動量跟一月差不多，但身形上看得出有明顯的變化，也竟然擠下了S碼，成為一時佳話。

三月：正式回流返港找工作。在二月發出的求職信開始有迴響，也很快地找到了一份我很喜歡也很喜歡我的工作。收入雖然很海鮮，在老媽眼中更是十分不穩定的工作，但我卻是真心喜歡這份工的。零政治、零壓力、零早起；你說，我還能要求甚麼？

四月：開始拓展社交圈子。也領教了local girls的厲害。我想，我是很難交到香港朋友的了。尤其是女生。Sorry man, it could be a case of sampling bias, but I'm just not patient enough to find out nor to pamper them. 

五月：工作上了軌道，終於不用備課備得剩下半條人命。

六月：體重回升了一點，也重新開始了健身。

七月：桃花開得十分茂盛的一個月份。

八月：桃花突然遇上了雨季，凋落得滿地都是殘骸。

九月：創下了一個月內跟接近十五個男生約會的記錄。然後開始了解自己想要的是怎樣的人，想要怎樣的關係。

十月：七月報考的督察進攻到延續面試就跣到攤攤腰。感到沮喪的同時又因為自己半個竹昇妹考語文筆試竟然中文比英文好而感到震撼。要知道，我是教英文的。另一邊廂，在完全未有準備下突然遇上了一個不合適但真的很喜歡很喜歡的人。

十一月：繼續跟不合適的人拖拉，然後終於放棄。

十二月：一丁友跑到了新加坡跟相識十年卻從未見過面的好好好好好朋友見面，過了一個很溫暖的假期（like, literally warm）。

回想起來我覺得，其實自己真的不可以太過貪心。我有一份我愛的工作，健康的家人，愛我以及包容我所有的朋友，我還能要求些甚麼？雖然感情上的確是屢次碰壁，但是呢，真的，做人不能太貪心。更何況連八月桃花凋零四落和十月忌姻緣都被周師傅算到，關於姻緣，我還是疊埋心水等2014的運到，然後2013就當作緩衝期，好好的休養休養備戰好了，嘻～