25.

25.

Had my first Jack Daniel's on my 25th birthday.
Loved it. Never going back to spirits. 

Looking back in the past year, I'm guessing the biggest change would be how I view life and risks.

After failing so many times, I charged into a chicken phase where I would not even try because I had the mindset of "if I don't try then I would never have to cry". So I shut myself out from meeting new friends and taking on challenges. Everyday became simply the same. Bland and emotionless.

And then somebody told me I was wrong. He told me that sometimes there are mistakes to be made and failure to be embraced. If I don't even put in the slightest effort then I would never taste success.

This goes the same with relationships.

I figured I can't always worry about being heartbroken once again. So what if he breaks my heart? So what if I am hurt once again? When it happens then it is what it is. Then I will just have to accept my failure, learn from it, and attempt life again.

And so I wriggled myself out of my comfort zone and opened up to him. And so I fell in love again.

I've got it all figured out. I think. Or at least I hope.

I've got it all figured out. I think. Or at least I hope.

Sometimes some feelings are meant to be left as is. Even if two people cannot or can no longer be lovers, sometimes the feelings of affection still exist. These feelings may be tense or may have been diluted by different factors already, but it doesn't simply disappear into thin air as one wishes. Talking yourself into not loving the person is often times not an option. It can be very painful and devastating to convince yourself that you don't love someone anymore when you really and apparently still do. Hence the best thing to do, is to leave the feelings alone and instead assign a new role to the other person. As a special friend, as a soul mate, as a buddy, as a mental clone, as a whatever role that is comfortable for the two of you.

I realize there should be a fine line between friends and lovers. The thing is, where is that line? Why is it natural for us to kiss and hug our lovers but not our friends? I never understand why love has to be so strictly controlled and categorized. Love is love. Love for friends is the same sort of love for lovers. The only difference that makes lovers special is probably the extra bit of lust that allows us to reproduce and pass on our genes. Just because one can't be together as lovers with another, doesn't mean the love between the two has to be repressed.

This whole time I have been forcing myself to stop all feelings and pretend that I don't appreciate him the way I used to. But appreciation is appreciation. I still think he is perfect and I care a lot about him and can't just let go of these feelings once we become buddies and nothing more. Why do I have to tell myself otherwise when I still have feelings for him? It just doesn't make sense to me.

So yeah. I should just befriend all the guys that I truly adore and love and gain an awesome crowd of (subjectively) good looking friends who would all come to my funeral wedding and cry like losers one day. That would be quite a beautiful sight.

Life lessons.

Life lessons.

The very first life lesson I have learnt in the hard way was back in grade 11 chemistry class with Mrs. S. I remember studying my ass off for tests, participated a lot in class, and was actually enthusiastic in studying. For once. And then what happened? I got a fucking B-. Mind you, my test results weren't bad at all. I wasn't the top student in class but I never let myself get less than a B+. Yet something had to go wrong and I got a fucking B-.

So I realized. That maybe there are certain things in life that I just can't get, no matter how hard I try to achieve it. The give/get equation is not as simple as 1+1=2. It can sometimes wind down to a 0. Or even in the minus.

Then after almost 10 years in life, it had struck me again. That there are just things that I can never ever have. That there are things and people, no matter how much I want and love, I just cannot have. This world is so complicated, that, there are times where I just have to learn to give up. And pretend. Pretend that I am already gone and over out there even though I am still extremely jaded inside. My mind. My heart. My mentality. My emotions. Everything is still being tied up by the thoughts of him and yet, I have to brush off the trickling tears and pretend otherwise.

Now how fucked up is that? How fucked up is adulthood?

Very. Fuckily. Fucked. Up.

New Year's Resolution.

New Year's Resolution.

一如往年的習俗，在年末年初的時候總會想起年初立下的目標，懊惱不已地看看自己做了些甚麼鳥事來，然後收拾一下心情（e.g., 安慰）準備定下新一年的新目標。

去年的目標們與秋後算帳賽後檢討：

• 一日一小時Core Rhythm／其他運動。 
• 大概平均一週都能動得到三、四個小時的，雖然距離目標有一段很長的距離，但算啦，有動過屁股也就算啦差不多啦嘿。
• 早睡早起之餘，過了六點就不再進食。
• 立下目標的時候還不知道原來自己的上班時候竟然會是午一晚九，所以呢，這是呢，就只有在加拿大得時候才做到過囉。
•  總而言之想要回到2008年，BMI值22.0的磅數。 
• 拿拿拿，雖然早已不再，但在六月的時候我確實是曾經達到過的！*驕傲* XDD Oh my god I was so skinny in June!!! 
• 做出見得人的Macarons。 
• 這倒是在年初一、二月的時候早早達成了。絲毫征服感都沒。天才ですから？
• 補回在日本去過的幾趟旅行遊記。（渺茫率：80%）
• 算了。算了。

總的來說，我覺得2012年的成績還過得去啦，怎樣混也總會混得比2011年的好吧？你說對不對？而今年的新年目標呢，有幾項都跟往年的差不多，但有幾項倒真會是一個新挑戰。Let's see how it goes.

• 早晚做運動
• 總而言之想要回到BMI值21.0~22.0的磅數。
• 參加並完跑半馬。我是很認真的。
• 補－寫－遊－記。（渺茫率：90%）
• 老媽回加後要積極存錢，一個月只准花最多一千元在食物上。當然，出去摸杯底的花費另計。嘻。

今年最特別的大概就是有了明確的減磅目標。往年主要的理由都是想要好看一點，但今年卻多了一個理由；我很認真地在考慮要參加half marathon。自從十月還是十一月發現自己現下跑3km都要花上20分鐘後我就發覺，自己真的老了。想當年（！）我芳齡十六還需要上PE堂的時候，我可是只需12分鐘就跑完3 miles，即差不多5-6km。Holy shit I was so fast back then!!! 3km。Holy shit, even if it's not 3 miles but 3km in 12 minutes is still quite fast eh!!! (I am so nice to myself.)

如是者，為了健康還有我那可憐的自尊著想，我就設下了這樣子的一個目標了。嘛……祝我好運吧。Orz

A Year of Growth.

A Year of Growth.

十五。我萬萬想不到，一整個2012，我都只是更新過十五遍網誌，度過了一個少產的一年。主要原因我想，其實這一年發生了太多的事情，時間總是覺得不夠用似的，而且有時候寫著寫著又覺得其實內容不太適合放上網來，也就轉移放到另一個私人網誌上算了。嘛，希望在新一年可以多點練練中文吧，總覺得自從回港後我的中文都不斷在退步（！），很多時候都出現詞不達意的窘境。*羞*

由於很少更新，也就免不了來一個2012總結，當是記一下發生過啥事好了：

一月：這一年裡面運動量最高的月份。每天我都會步行約3km到Hillcrest的社區中心做一小時運動然後坐巴士回家。

二月：運動量跟一月差不多，但身形上看得出有明顯的變化，也竟然擠下了S碼，成為一時佳話。

三月：正式回流返港找工作。在二月發出的求職信開始有迴響，也很快地找到了一份我很喜歡也很喜歡我的工作。收入雖然很海鮮，在老媽眼中更是十分不穩定的工作，但我卻是真心喜歡這份工的。零政治、零壓力、零早起；你說，我還能要求甚麼？

四月：開始拓展社交圈子。也領教了local girls的厲害。我想，我是很難交到香港朋友的了。尤其是女生。Sorry man, it could be a case of sampling bias, but I'm just not patient enough to find out nor to pamper them. 

五月：工作上了軌道，終於不用備課備得剩下半條人命。

六月：體重回升了一點，也重新開始了健身。

七月：桃花開得十分茂盛的一個月份。

八月：桃花突然遇上了雨季，凋落得滿地都是殘骸。

九月：創下了一個月內跟接近十五個男生約會的記錄。然後開始了解自己想要的是怎樣的人，想要怎樣的關係。

十月：七月報考的督察進攻到延續面試就跣到攤攤腰。感到沮喪的同時又因為自己半個竹昇妹考語文筆試竟然中文比英文好而感到震撼。要知道，我是教英文的。另一邊廂，在完全未有準備下突然遇上了一個不合適但真的很喜歡很喜歡的人。

十一月：繼續跟不合適的人拖拉，然後終於放棄。

十二月：一丁友跑到了新加坡跟相識十年卻從未見過面的好好好好好朋友見面，過了一個很溫暖的假期（like, literally warm）。

回想起來我覺得，其實自己真的不可以太過貪心。我有一份我愛的工作，健康的家人，愛我以及包容我所有的朋友，我還能要求些甚麼？雖然感情上的確是屢次碰壁，但是呢，真的，做人不能太貪心。更何況連八月桃花凋零四落和十月忌姻緣都被周師傅算到，關於姻緣，我還是疊埋心水等2014的運到，然後2013就當作緩衝期，好好的休養休養備戰好了，嘻～

24.

24.

@Akashi's house in Hung Hom with my lovely student friends

就說教大人有教大人的好處，嘻。

一年365天。這明明是不會改變的事實，可怎麼這一年卻像過得特別快一樣呢？眨眼間便又來到了十月；眨眼間原來我撤回香港已經半年有多；眨眼間我已經24歲了。

24歲。

當日開始寫這網誌時我才不過19~20歲，也壓根兒想不到竟然斷斷續續地一寫就寫了四年。前陣子看回幾年前寫的文章，我真是覺得當時的自己好好啊！雖然那時候沒現在的率直和曉得處理人際關係，但言語間流露著的那份自信都在出來做事的這些日子慢慢被磨蝕了。

嗯。原因不詳。

說點別的吧。

這幾個月都一直沒更新是因為八月的時候心情不太好，免得把不好的記憶留下，也就沒提過也沒啥意欲更新。其實八月那件事情我後來恢復得很快，說到底也只是summer fling一枚，沒啥好傷感。只是九月開學至今就一直很忙，每天都過著13-22的生活（對，你無睇錯我無寫錯，我上班是上13:00的！）（代價就是下班下22:00了）（但我喜！）也就沒太多空閒時間上來敲敲字了。

待接下來比較空閒的時候也是該整理一下囤積已久的照片，上來寫一下去年的好幾趟遊記了嗚～不過既然這裡荒廢已久，應該都不會有幾個人來溜達，我隨便寫一寫當是有個記錄好了。（誤）

然後，我聽懂了林夕。

然後，我聽懂了林夕。

難道我未夠好未懂得熱吻
足夠令你憐憫　勾不起你的興奮

原以為，像這樣才胡亂開始一個多月的summer fling，應該會很容易放下來才是；原以為，自己其實也沒有太認真。

但原來，我並沒自己想像中不在乎。

Bitchification.

Bitchification.

相信不少人都目睹過一個完全正常甜美的女性朋友突然產生異變，化身成為一枚bitch的過程。她可能是和你從小玩大的兒時玩伴，也有可能是你長大以後覺得很談得來繼而結成好友的友人。怎樣認識其實都不太要緊，重要的是，究竟要發生甚麼事情，才會令到一個「好朋友」突然決定要反目使壞，去讓自己的日子不再好過呢？

近日，一位新認識的朋友突然間在我面前bitchified了。我的人生雖然說多她一個不多少她一個不少，而且這個世上的bitches何其多，我要是將每一個都放在心上的話，我想我的心臟早就負荷不了爆Q左都似 (figuratively)。所以照平時，我早就已經moved on不再花時間在這bitch身上。

但是可能我最近工作上了軌道吧，每天都實在閒得不得了，我就是無論如何都對這回的bitchification耿耿於懷，好想徹底了解一個女生到底是會因為啥事才會突然bitchify，甚至乎極端一點的cuntify。

於是我開始回想。首先我想到了一切的變化是從幾時開始的。還記得某一天當我給她看我那封寫了洋洋六百多七百字，向眾親友交代有關一名雄性的電郵時的情景。她邊讀著電郵，臉上的表情都很柔和甚至還帶著一絲微笑；然而她本來平放在大腿上的手掌卻漸漸的形成了一個緊握的拳頭。我向來深信，一個人無論平時掩飾得多好，一些微小的動作與表情 (microexpressions) 是無論如何都掩飾不了的。那天便是如此。

有看過神劇Lie to Me的人都應該知道，這是很明顯的憤怒表現。就是這樣，我了解到她對這雄性的感情實在非比尋常，跟我這帶著嬉戲玩耍的心情乃是完全不一樣。這個城府極深的女人，我死十次也惹不起啊。

然後事情淡去了，我也清晰的讓對方知道我對那雄性完全失去興趣（真快），我就猜想一切也過去了吧？但不，the end is another beginning，跟照妖燈一旦照上了就變不回人類一樣，bitchification一旦開始了就不能終結。

可能是我小人之心，但她給我的感覺就是，她越是找不到工作，對我的態度就越是差勁。比如說，她面試不成功，我本想給她一點建議（我身經百戰嘛嘿，對方又是在找教書的工作），噢！想不到卻換來冷言冷語。例如甚麼我很好命，很走運，不像她就算多努力也好，也只能到普普的補習社看小孩云云。

恕我在這離題粗鄙點罵句：她媽的，我在背後努力她看不到憑個屁說我走運？！我這麼快就找到工作是因為我早在二月多人還在溫哥華的時候就開始發求職信，我能進這家公司是因為老娘的而且確有教書經驗而我眾老闆又看著我可愛順眼（OK, looks are born with, too bad for her :p），這都跟走運與否無關的說！

嘛，總而言之，我暫時所得到的結論是，一個bitchification的開始往往都是由嫉妒所引起。為甚麼同樣是教書的她的事業就比我順利？為甚麼同樣長著一對胸脯但她的就偏比我的大那麼多？（OK，後者是我在吶喊與他人無關。）就是這種不切實際的比較讓人覺得自己不如別人，從而產生一個要讓對方日子不好過的心態－－也就是bitchification的開端。

但其實老套點說句，自己顧自己不就成了嘛。與其花時間去把自己變成一個cunt倒不如對著鏡子練表情面試還實際呢。（話說我都是這樣子練著練著才面試成功的。）